This past Thanksgiving marked a significant milestone in my life. I have been out my same-sex relationship for 11 years, which is longer than I had been in it. If I were to tell you that the last 11 years have been a breeze, I would be lying. I’ve struggled with the same things most people struggle with at some point—loneliness, wanting children. But without a doubt I can tell you that today I am living a rich, peaceful, amazing life.
As I reflect back on my former relationship, there is one pivotal moment that eventually changed my thinking. I was visiting with a friend of mine who I knew had been praying for me for years. She never condoned my relationship and when given the opportunity she would point out that I experienced emptiness and desolation more often than peace. (In hindsight, she was completely right.)
One day my friend said to me: “Peggy, what if you’re wrong? What if the way you are living your life won’t get you to heaven? What if the Catholic teaching on homosexual acts is true? Are you really willing to risk your soul on it?”
This question put life into a different perspective for me. It changed the goal. If my goal was heaven, then I really needed to take a look at what I was doing. If my goal was temporal happiness—concerned with only the right here and the right now—then life could continue as it was: about Peggy, about my rights and my feelings. But with this choice, I could potentially miss out on the promises of Christ. How big of a risk was I going to take? In the end—the big end!—would it be worth it?
I am grateful for the Catholic Church’s teaching on homosexuality. I am grateful for the Catholic Church’s teaching on marriage and family. Above all, I am grateful for the promises of Christ—that is, if I continue to seek the eternal happiness of holiness instead of the fleeting pleasures of this life, I will someday meet my Bridegroom.
I recently read an honest, funny and poignant blog post by another Catholic who has same-sex attraction. I can relate to it in many ways and want to share it with you:
I have heard a lot about how mean the Church is, and how bigoted, because She opposes gay marriage. How badly She misunderstands gay people, and how hostile She is towards us. My gut reaction to such things is: Are you freaking kidding me? Are we even talking about the same Church?
When I go to confession, I sometimes mention the fact that I’m gay, to give the priest some context. (And to spare him some confusion: “Did you say ‘locker room’? What were you doing in the women’s…oh.”) I’ve always gotten one of two responses: either compassion, encouragement and admiration, because the celibate life is difficult and profoundly counter-cultural; or nothing at all, not even a ripple, as if I had confessed eating too much on Thanksgiving.
Of the two responses, my ego prefers the first — who doesn’t like thinking of themselves as some kind of hero? — but the second might make more sense. Being gay doesn’t mean I’m special or extraordinary. It just means that my life is not always easy. (Surprise!) And as my friend J. said when I told him recently about my homosexuality, “I guess if it wasn’t that, it would have been something else.” Meaning that nobody lives without a burden of one kind or another. As Rabbi Abraham Heschel said: “The man who has not suffered, what can he possibly know, anyway?”
Where are all these bigoted Catholics I keep hearing about? When I told my family a year ago, not one of them responded with anything but love and understanding. Nobody acted like I had a disease. Nobody started treating me differently or looking at me funny. The same is true of every one of the Catholic friends that I’ve told. They love me for who I am.
Actually, the only time I get shock or disgust or disbelief, the only time I’ve noticed people treating me differently after I tell them, is when I tell someone who supports the gay lifestyle.“Celibacy?! You must be some kind of freak.”
Hooray for tolerance of different viewpoints. I’m grateful to gay activists for some things — making people more aware of the prevalence of homosexuality, making homophobia less socially acceptable — but they also make it more difficult for me to be understood, to be accepted for who I am and what I believe. If I want open-mindedness, acceptance and understanding, I look to Catholics.
Is it hard to be gay and Catholic? Yes, because like everybody, I sometimes want things that are not good for me. The Church doesn’t let me have those things, not because She’s mean, but because She’s a good mother. If my son or daughter wanted to eat sand I’d tell them: that’s not what eating is for; it won’t nourish you; it will hurt you. Maybe my daughter has some kind of condition that makes her like sand better than food, but I still wouldn’t let her eat it. Actually, if she was young or stubborn enough, I might not be able to reason with her — I might just have to make a rule against eating sand. Even if she thought I was mean.
So the Church doesn’t oppose gay marriage[just] because it’s wrong; She opposes it because it’s impossible, just as impossible as living on sand. The Church believes, and I believe, in a universe that means something, and in a God who made the universe — made men and women, designed sex and marriage from the ground up. In that universe, gay marriage doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t fit with the rest of the picture, and we’re not about to throw out the rest of the picture.
If you don’t believe in these things, if you believe that men and women and sex and marriage are pretty much whatever we say they are, then OK: we don’t have much left to talk about. That’s not the world I live in.
So, yes, it’s hard to be gay and Catholic — it’s hard to be anything and Catholic — because I don’t always get to do what I want. Show me a religion where you always get to do what you want and I’ll show you a pretty shabby, lazy religion. Something not worth living or dying for, or even getting up in the morning for. That might be the kind of world John Lennon wanted, but John Lennon was kind of an idiot.
Would I trade in my Catholicism for a worldview where I get to marry a man? Would I trade in the Eucharist and the Mass and the rest of it? Being a Catholic means believing in a God who literally waits in the chapel for me, hoping I’ll stop by just for 10 minutes so He can pour out love and healing on my heart. Which is worth more — all this, or getting to have sex with whom I want? I wish everybody, straight or gay, had as beautiful a life as I have.
I know this isn’t a satisfactory answer. I don’t think any words could be. I try to make my life a satisfactory answer, to this question and to others: What are people for? What is love, and what does it look like? How do we get past our own selfishness so we can love God and our neighbors and ourselves?
It’s a work in progress.
N.B.: This post was written for Little Catholic Bubble by Steve Gershom (a pseudonym), who is a Catholic man in his late 20s. His blog, stevegershom.com, has been around for a few months, but he has just decided to make it public.